Funny/Unfunny - Your Vote!

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town. One day, as he was walking down the street, he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly.

"This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure", she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend Fluff realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and they tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend Fluff wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub owner looked over and said, "Aye mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the pub owner and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff."

The pub owner nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."

The Maid & The Ex-Wife

I wrote the previous post on Word first, and added pictures which did not transfer over. Balls! So here you go...

The sexy Maid (Nadine Velazquez)

The sluttly ex-wife (Jaime Pressly)

HUBBA HUBBA! :)

How The Week Went...

Friday – 1pm. Fearfully I approach the clinic with trepidation. Imagination raging. Paranoia encroaching.

Friday 1.05pm. Relieved though disappointed at the anti-climax.

Friday Evening, drink a bottle of wine and watch The West Wing, lament at how it’s brilliant again but has been cancelled in America, and My Name Is Earl. Laugh at Randy. Lust after both the maid & the ex-wife . Mmmm.

Saturday Morning – slightly hungover, depressed that Saturday Kitchen is not on.

Saturday – play 24 The Game on PS2. Very good. Hours pass without me noticing. Watch some TV.

Sunday Morning – ignore my alarm and sleep in, thereby missing the chance to meet John in town to watch Liverpool v Newcastle. Watch the game and smile as we crush the Geordie tits 1-3.

Sunday Evening – Drink several bottles of beer and a bottle of wine. Life on Garden Leave is akin to Life on the Dole – there are no plans for Monday.

Monday Morning – slightly hungover. Play 24 The Game till…

Monday Afternoon… late afternoon – Work calls, I have to be in at 9am the next day to help out with Quality on a campaign. Balls, I say.

Tuesday Morning, 9am – look on aghast as the boss tells me I didn’t have to be till 10. Face an hour of internet till everyone else comes in. Silently curse HR. Start writing…

There Will Be Blood….
Back in work today. Covering a ‘quality’ issue on one of the contracts I know nothing of.
Feel rough. Lack of sleep & IBS combine to create a feeling a lot like a hangover. Cold sweats, aches & pains, sore eyes – oh & guts that just spew their fullness every 20 minutes
Always feel like this when I come back to work. Probably due to the fact that I do nothing when I’m off – inactivity is killing me.
Anyway, why will there be blood? Friday, I had a growth from my nose removed. That sound’s horrible, conjures images of witches warts & second heads. In truth, it was a wart-type growth, to quote my doctor. Benign, thank fuck, but a pain to quote another.
The specialist informed me of the procedure,
“….inject local anaesthetic… this will really hurt as there is no tissue in the nose, unlike your arm, really painful... then we scrape it out with a spoon leaving a hole…there will be blood…bleeding for a few days…after a week the scab will fall off…”
Jesus Harry H Corbett Christ!!! I do not want to hear that! Blood? Pain? Spoon? What the F’!?!
Needless to say I wasn’t looking forward to it. It did need to be done. The thing was growing and had started to bleed from time to time – not at all nice. It was visible enough to catch my eye – creating a danger of going gozy (cross-eyed), like Carl Riener in The Jerk.
I can’t believe these fucks have brought me in for 9 when they don’t need me till 10!!!
So there I am, on my way to the clinic. Visions of facial chops plaguing me.
Let’s start with the needle. ‘Very Painful, really gonna make your eyes water”. The way he made is sound, and the way my imagination heightened it, I was dreading this.
Aah, my imagination, I have the innate curse to imagine every little aspect.

10am came along and the writing stopped. Let’s see, what really happened that day?

Friday – 1pm. Fearfully I approach the clinic with trepidation – wait, I done this bit.

Friday – 1.01pm. There’s no one outside the clinic, good, no queues. An In & Out Job. The words of the doctor is ringing in my eyes, and all I’m thinking of is leaving the building crying my eyes out holding a bloody bandage to a gushing hole where my nose used to be.

Friday – 1.02pm. The doctor is in a jovial mood. And why not? It’s Friday afternoon, not too busy, maybe he can get home early, start the weekend. Plus he’s getting paid a shit load for easy work. My attention is drawn to his two helpers. Why two? How big is this operation? He says a few medical things to them, requesting this and that. Casually he corrects one for picking up the wrong anaesthetic. My anus yawns in terror.

Friday – 1.03pm. The needle is stuck inside the wart. I’m brave so I close my eyes, grab the sides of the bed/chair/thing till my knuckles turn white, and curl my toes. It’s not as bad as I feared, but I’m still a weak bitch, and my eyes water. The female helper smiles, “I bet you can’t feel your nose now can you?” Well, actually I can… Too late. The Doctor is back with a pair of what looks like toe clippers…

Friday 1.04pm – With a swift snip the wart is gone. All though I can feel the end of my nose, the side is dead. I can feel the warm blood on my cheek though, heading for my mouth. No spoon. Thank Christ. “Here’s the bad bit”, the doctor reassures me, before singeing my flesh with a hot-thing. The smell is disgusting.

Friday 1.05pm. Relieved though disappointed at the anti-climax. I forgot to add, slightly bewildered, although smiling at the relative briefness of it all.

Now, where were we?

Tuesday Evening – work wasn’t too bad. Back office stuff, checking reports. I just put my Ipod on and stared lustfully at a few of the Scandavian girls who work there. Wow! Best word to sum them up. Back home, I settle down and watch Liverpool destroy Birmingham 0-7. 15 goals in three games. Happy Days!

Wednesday – work, blimp, go home, fight sleep, watch Chelsea sneak past Newcastle, sleep.

Thursday – work. Here typing this shit even though no one will read it.

Is this what a blog is supposed to be about? I’m not sure. Mine doesn’t seem to have an identity yet. Ah well, give us feedback if you want…

A Good Post/I Think I'd Be Good

Reading some of the posts on http://muhammadandme.blogspot.com/ really depresses. There are far too many people out there, united by hatred, on opposing sides, who really cannot see past there own prejudices. The cartoons are amusing, but the hate and ignorance they spark - fuck that.

And our friend on I think I'd be good for you... really needs to pick up that lacrosse stick or sit on a guy/gal's face and learn to chill. What started as quaint swiftly became... well read for yourself. I am apparently her "fan club" now :) Not if she keeps whining. At least Clare Danes character managed to kiss Jared Leto's...

But there is good news - Rick has a blog - http://ric-mann.blogspot.com/
Rick traveled the world, and his emails charting his travels where excellent. I hope he puts them on the blog.

It's late and I'm full of wine

6

5

4

3

2

1

I think I'd be good for you...

I think I'd be good for you...

I'm having a crappy day. Went shopping for sauce (brown and red- I am pro-choice on that one), and came back £40 down and no sauce. Still (he licks the double-cream from his lips - oh bollocks you'll all think that's cum now!) I did buy loads of cakes. Could I be coming down from an all mighty sugar rush?
Bizarrely, I was looking at some Beechams tablets and I thought I should get some of those for future cases of illness. Ten minutes after leaving the store, my sinus (is that how you spell it? My phone wouldnt recognise the word before. I have the Sony Walkman W800i. Spend all my texting time teaching it swear words). Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, so my sinus' are now blocked. This is far worse than a mere blocked nose. Every movement of your head hurts. Balls.
As if that wasnt enough...
I went for an assessment centre in work yesterday. I have spent the past two months on 'garden leave' getting paid for doing sweet fa. Anyway, that resulted in yesterday's little shenigans. It was for a job I didnt particurlary (that is spelt wrong, but the spell checker on here is a pain to use) want, but I'm in Catch 22 so what can you do.
Anyway, I got a call before confirming that I was unsuccessful and will not be invited to the next stage. MUTHAFUNK!
It's amazing - I dont want the job, yet I am annoyed when I don't get it. And with every disrespect to my 'colleagues' I am far better than this. It's old news to my colleagues in the Vertex days.
I need a career change. Who knows, fate may smile on me yet. I shall buy a lottery ticket tomorrow. Win it. And never have to open a door again in my life.
Anyway, the point of all of that is I was fed up and half-heartedly scouring through some blogs when I came upon this one. Only read a bit but I think she's in Uni or something over in the states. And it relaxed me. A cyber-My-So-Called-Life if you will.
Check it out guys.

A Good Post

Well, it's Saturday. My plans have fell through - get drunk - which isn't really a big loss. Hey, I get to keep some brain cells for another few days...

About to watch some Curb Your Enthusiam, debating whether or not to get a pizza and a large bottle of coke so I can crack open a bottle of JD I've been holding back. That's the tragedy of my life, I have to order a pizza to buy coke because I cannot be bothered to go the 24hr.

Anyways, whatever I do, I'm sure will be fun.

In the meantime, check out this amusing little blog I just found -

http://muhammadandme.blogspot.com/

Made me smile. :)

River Alt Mk2

Memorial

Roughwood Heights

Home From Home

I couldn't get the link to work for other webpage - kept getting a 404 error code (what ever the hell that means). Anyway, you should be able to access it from here

Home-From-Home

Joke

A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg.

His friend says, "My feet are cold mate. Can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please."

The guy goes upstairs, and there are his mate's gorgeous twin 18-year-old daughters.

"Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to sh4g you."

The first daughter says, "That's not true."

He says, "I'll prove it."

He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"

His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them."

Sometimes I Wish I Was Still A Kid

These costumes are ace. Makes me wish I was a kid again. When I was a kid all's we got was Spiderman pyjamas, with a hood. I had a paid of Buck Rogers ones. They were fucking ace come to think of it. Had the matching lunch box and flask too. Fuck the kids of today, my childhood rocked!

Can someone let me know if the video works?

You Go Girl

Gooders

Nick "Gooders" Goodwin enquired about the missing link for Chris Motley's blog. Sorry, "Gooders", I couldnt figure out what was wrong with it so here is the link

Chris Motley

Hopefully you can reach the fool by here.

Kirkby

Bored, scouring the internet, looking for things on Kirkby. Well, I've found the following...

• It's mentioned in the The Doomsday Book
• It's train station is worse than Baghdad
• China Crisis(?) are from here
• some people have too much time on their hands.

This is what happens when you are bored....

Liverpool 0 - Benfica 2 (0-3)

Well, we lost.
Had a feeling it wasn't going to be our night as soon as it kicked off. Hitting the post and watching Crouch get a yellow card for a blatant penalty only confirmed it. When they scored, I thought ok, Olympicacos (dunno how to spell it) all over again. But the players didn't look right.
And Garcia! A lot of Liverpool fans like him. Then again a lot of Liverpool fans liked Murphy. Both players buy your love with goals in big games, which then hide the fact that they are crap. Well Garcia was awful in the first leg - and I know I said he would score - he was woeful in this leg too.
There is a lot of players who need to leave in the summer - Traore, Kewell, Morientes (I Like him but he is just not a Premiership player), Cisse, Zenden, Crouch. There are big decisions ahead and I fear that if the board don't match his needs, the Madrid will get the manager they crave come the summer.
Although, I am drunk it has to be said, and we are still fighting (although toothlessly) for second place and the FA Cup.
So, here's to another (successful) trip to Cardiff for Liverpool, and hopefully let's see Arsenal win the Champs Lge. They're the only English club I could abide in Europe aside from the Reds.

8th March

As you can see from the Jap name. I've been messing about looking at other blogs. Thanks to http://briggidge.blogspot.com/ for that one.
There are some mad ones out there. I'm quite surprised. Here's me holding back, trying to be polite and careful...
Makes it all the more interesting I guess... :)

All's I can say is C'Mon Liverpool!!!!
1 nil down, but we're at Anfield. I am confident tonight (my birthday no less) is the day God returns to us completely. Fowler for the winner.
And as much as I cant stand him, I believe (is it hope), Garcia will feature heavily tonight. Of course, I could bang on the telly in a minute and see he's not even on the bench.

Shame Arsenal are on the same night, would have liked to watch that. Oh well. By the way, wasnt last night fantastic. learn to lose Jose.

Your Japanese Name Is...

Kenta Hojo

What's your Japanese Name?

My Ugly Kipper :)

Afterwards....

This doesnt do justice to the amount of people who were there day - but it's probably the best pic I took that day.

Waiting for the Reds

May 2005

Big Thanks to LEE ELLIS who provided some helpful hints in making this site look more presentable. There is a link to Lee's own webpage on here. You should check it out. His photography is really good.

Cheers Lee.

So there you have it, a few photos from me. Having played around with this for a couple of hours, I'm not so sure it will be suitable for stories afterall. However, I'll find a use for it.

Enjoy!

My Photos - Jarris

My one and only portrait.

My Photos - Kev

Kev. I have added the link to Kev's band on here. They are good (what I have heard), and they do a mean 'Scouser Tommy'. Check em out.

My Photos - Untitled

I like this picture. It captures the road in a way which isn't really noticeable in real life. The black & white actually tones down the bleakness lol. McDonald's sign there, showing that at least on the culinary delights, Kirkby is being taken care of. (As if I don’t go there, Ha!)

My Photos - River Alt

This picture does not reflect reality in any way whatsoever. What you are actually looking at is sewer. I think the 'gate' was thrown there, and it was very small.

Intro

Hi,
welcome to my little corner of the web.
Not sure what I'll be up to. I will try and add some photos, stories, sketches etc for you to peruse and hopefully enjoy.
So, here's to a - hopefully - successful 'blog'.

Neil