Some Jokes

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife,

"Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very
dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, Honey. I love you."

to which the wife responds,

"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, Honey. I love you, too."

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A Man sees a sign in a shop window, 'Pies 50p, Wanks £1'. He goes in and asks the girl behind the counter if she is the one who gives the wanks for a pound. "Yes I am" she replies. "Well, wash your fucking hands, I want a pie."

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For Those Of Us Who Grew Up In The Eighties...

http://www.apple.com/trailers/wb/teenagemutantninjaturtles/

Italy - World Champions 2006

Sometimes, it's good to be right.... ;)

Stupidest Movie Poster Ever?

Aligator - 1980.

Italian poster for ALLIGATOR (1980) - It's shagging her for fucks sake!?!

England lost - devastated.

Really thought we would win. Well, I trully believed we would beat Portugal at least!!! I dunno, are we supposed to be perpetually disappointed as a race? We have nothing now, no Empire, no Power, No World Cup. I blame Arsenal. They should have won the European Cup - and for that matter Middlesborough, they should have the UEFA Cup. England had the chance to cement it's status at the best league in the world, but Spain got there first. Fuck, it'd down to Liverpool again (although I dont mind if we are winning everything ;) ).
Anyway, I have lost interest in this tournament now, but if I am to be pressed for a prediction, I will go with Italy v France final, with Italy winning it.
I hope that Juventus & AC Milan get relegated for this match-fixing. An interesting question would then arise, would both be kicked out of the G14? Or will that self-serving group simply ignore the controversy and continue looking after number one?

Anyway, here's something to give us a chuckle...

WOMAN'S DIARY:

Sunday 2nd Oct 2005

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a Bit late so thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly Laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.

I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of Silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later He did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed Distant and a bit cold, and started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.

MAN'S DIARY:

Sunday 2nd October 2005

Arsenal lost. Gutted. Got a sh*g though.

(At least that tw@t Beckham has given up his Captaincy....)