Went The Day Well?

I get up and shower straight away – which is an improvement on the rest of the week already as I’ve been getting up and watching Stargate & Scrubs reruns, showering at stupid times like 3pm all week. My routine is skewered and I’m dressed before I’ve shaven (electric). For some reason I decide to shave in front of the big bathroom mirror (not the small one from my display pic). The razor feels really sharp, pulling on hair – OW. I start again, pushing harder cos I’m a fucking dickhead – OW! I look at the razor cos all of a sudden I’m a fucking expert, nothing seems amiss – I try for the third time and wince – now there is blood OWW!!! I look once again, there is a tiny shard of plastic broken through the blade.

30 mins later my face looks like a cat has treated me like it’s bitch – my cheek covered with several red scratches cos I’m a fucking dickhead remember. Off to town I go.

Being out of work (for all of two days – how long before this line gets tired?) I have not renewed my travel pass. The world of public transport is a new and scary pace where I have to talk to bus drivers and train ticket thingymebobs. I’m to lazy and its cold and I’m too lazy to walk the 30 minute walk to the train station and I’m only have a fiver on me so I cant get a taxi, so I opt to get the bus. Having not bought a fare since school I’m pretty confident it’s gonna be more than 50p. For some reason I ask how much is it to town - £1.50 – fuck it I’ll stay on & read my book.

The cold has paled my skin now, reddening the scratches even more – also even this ugly fella likes to smell nice, I applied some aftershave (dickhead remember) which needless to say stung like hell –is this an important detail?

Anyways a girl gets on the bus and stares at me vacantly. I try and detect a smile, a look of lust, but nope vacant as anything, and yet she doesn’t take her eyes off me, walks right to the back of the bus and sits in front of me. I go back to my book. The bus is bouncing along and well into my book and I have some great tunes low on my ipod, I look up and there are new passengers, I see one of the most beautiful faces ever and I am transfixed. I try to read my book but I can’t avoid sly glances over. Then she moves slightly and what is that? Oh Christ no – a school uniform. I sink into my chair depressed and disgusted. I go back to my book and concentrate turning up the tunes.

My trip to town is brief, in fact I spent longer getting there – town is Liverpool City Centre by the way. It is notable for two things.

1/ with the gift voucher from my team I purchase Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (just watched, very good), The Proposition, and The Three Buriels of Melquiades ….(Mexican name) – Aaron wanted to know and his email add wouldn’t work.

2/ I go to Boots and spend my boots points on a new electric razor. The queue is long and full. Everywhere I look I see beautiful attractive women. All the girls on the till are beautiful attractive women. My heart sinks. If there is indeed a perfect time for a spot of public embarrassment, now is the time. For some reason, the till girls in Boots sit on really low chairs, that or today I was really tall. If you work in Boots you would probably have worked this out very early in your career, perhaps 3 minutes into it. Knowledge of this kind may teach you certain things, for example never look up people’s nostrils. Another factor, particularly if you are of the female persuasion, maybe, just maybe, would be think about what to wear.

So there I am staring down a very low-cut top…

I really wanted to. I did. But call me a prude, although I’d prefer gentleman, I just couldn’t do it. Before I could dwell on such matters, that old public embarrassment starting to raise its ugly head (I know this sounds like innuendo, but that’s your dirty mind not mine). Having never bought anything with my Boots card before, I merely printed off the voucher, searched for the product and dutifully handed all three to the cashier. Sadly, the cashier had never sold anything with a Boots card before.

Five long minutes I stood there. Normally in these situations I panic, face reddens, heart beats faster, knees buckle. I just smiled and nodded. Now I know why she wore the top. On a (deep deep deep) subconscious level she understood that she was a fuckwit, and the way to overcompensate this was to flash her tits. (sure there’s a flaw in that argument but it’s 1.30am and I’m typing this blind). Still I did not look. Wish I had now come to think of it.

I left town and returned home. Town was very busy and people, well people bug me.

This evening I decided to shopping at asda. 5 days before Christmas. Aisles were jam packed. Every where I turned was a moaning idiot – the real life embodiment of those jammy fuckers off the Special K ads – no-marks with beautiful outta their league girlfriends. All of em moaning about how busy it was, how people stop and have a chat with their trolley’s blocking the path. Naturally all were stopped chatting to their spouses about this. It is a shame that irony is lost of many of our great nation. That and scheduling skills. It’s open 24/7 why did u come at rush hour dickhead!?!

I spent 50 pounds on alcohol and £1.50 on a sizzle n stir salad thing. I must have looked like the catch of the day to the cashier. Pathetic.

There was another interesting note – having cut my hair yesterday very short (drug mule is what Dominique refers to me as – somehow I don’t see that as a compliment), wearing my customary outta-my-way-dickhead scowl and with those scratches perfectly juxtaposed with my whiter than white (I don’t like the Sun) skin – I was now eye candy for all the little jailbaits running amok. Unbelievable!

I was getting the eye off Britney, Christina, and who else is there, Pink? All fine and well if you’re an amoral scumbag. But me, I was crushed. I wanted there mom’s to look. 14 or 32? I’m nearly 30. Prison or dinner and sex? And that’s home cooked microwave chips and beans dinner, none of that fancy restaurant bullshit. Sadly, Mom’s were off listening to Special K boyfriend’s whine and bitch.

I left to write this. Albeit some 6 hours later. Its 2am, why the fuck did I think it was important to write this shit down? I’m sober/

Last Day...

As of 13:00 hrs today, I stopped working for Arvato.

My last day was a complete waste of time too

I officially end my contract on the 10^th January, but with holidays to use up and a perceived lack of work for January (plus my replacement ha ha) it was felt that today would be the best day to end my 13 month tenure with the company.

Unfortunately, I had already assumed last Friday was to be my last day, so today was little more than an anti-climax.

Friday was cool. I finished all my work, and true to form, half-finished my final (and most important) task lol. My team, a great bunch (who I know will read this- I wish would stop being pathetic and start talking to each other again), had a whip round and bought me some leaving gifts. As much as I LOVE getting gifts ha ha, I hate stuff like that, get very embarrassed very quickly. I managed to mumble out some words of gratitude, ha ha actually I thought I handled it quite well, but I’m sure they’ll disagree. And then they applauded. Face reddens. And then the team next to them started clapping too – very loudly. Knees start trembling. Looking for the exit now.

There you go – my own ‘Captain O’ Captain’ moment. Sadly minus the standing on chairs, but I was touched. A very cool moment which I will relive time to time when I’m alone and drunk, cheering myself up.

I wrote a heartfelt email (ie full of stupid jokes) to say goodbye proper, and made my peace with the fact that it was over.

So, how do you top that?

Sadly, you cannot.

I was asked to come in today to say goodbye proper (again I guess) and (Yay! 1999 just come on Shuffle – two weeks early but fuck it, party tune Yay!)

Balls where was I?

Oh yeah, I had half-heartedly applied for another position in work. A position that I was informed after applying had already been assigned to someone else. When agreeing on today, my manager mentioned the interview as she had forgotten about it – not exactly awe-inspiring. With this knowledge, I approached today with all the enthusiasm of a death row prisoner tucking into a larger than usual meal…

I waited till midday and still no news of when the interview was going to be. In the end, I asked myself did I really want the role considering I’d realized how happy I was to be leaving the place (I do want the money lol). I sent an email to HR & my manager with some guff about not feeling right for the role and withdrew my application.

(As I’m blogging this, there is a good chance they could be reading this ha ha).

I sent an email to the entire staff thanking them for the past 6 months, very short email. Put on my coat, said goodbye to the few who were sitting close by, and walked out.

A quiet ending to a strange topsy-turvy 13 months.

Spam

Despite my latest version of Internet Security, with all it's beefed up power and promises, I now get more spam email than ever before. On average, each day I get between 5 and 15 emails all promoting the virtues of quick degrees, medicines, penis enlargement, breast enlargement, breast reduction, obesity, bulimia etc etc etc. The majority of which I now believe come from one of my previous myspace profiles using my (foolish me) 'proper' email address.

Normally I delete these emails as soon as I see 'em, but recently I have noticed something remarkable. Now in the past most of them have at least tried to have names that appear like those of my friends – you know, so I'll nonchalantly open the wrong one, realise my dick is small, and sign up for a blah blah blah. But recently, the names have taken a life of their own…

Tonight, friends, I give you…

Arlene Blevins

Bobbi Tapia

Jody Hopper

Mammie Eaton

Natasha Solis

Trey Day

Who the fuck are these people? They sound like no one I know. No one I may know.

Some cool names though.

So who are these people?

Arlene Blevins – 32 years old, 3 children, 2 different daddies, lived alone since she was 15, victim of domestic violence all her life, scarred lip, eye beaten so many times, her lid is permanently in a squinting half closed state – doodles to forget, really creative, wants to be an artist, likes to sing to her kids

Bobbi Tapia – Pro-footballer, all American, constantly challenging himself, stigma over name, momma didn't realize she spelt it with an 'I' instead of a 'y' – media suspects he's in the closet – teammates don't trust him – loves cock

Jody Hopper – (I got nothing )

Mammie Eaton – Greasy Spoon Café owner – Mammie's her nickname, but no one knows/remembers her real name – makes the most disgustingly greasy dirty English full breakfast which is great for hangovers – huge ridiculously sized breasts, looks like maid from Tom & Jerry – has a string of gentleman callers,

Natasha Solis – 'Tash to her mates, on/off girlfriend of Trey, talks with Hubba Bubba in gob, likes it when boys look at her, mum and dad new money, loves Trey but deffo won't shag em till she's 15 (she's 13)

Trey Day – 15 year old chip on his shoulder prick – dad wanted to be a musician, lives through son – no talent whatsoever – steals mother's prescription drugs – both a victim and a bully – has a crap name

Well, pissing about there as you can see, lovely when boredom creates nothing out of something annoying lol. Cheesy cliches

Anyone got any ideas for Jody Hopper btw?

Last night

Crikey, went with my cousin to KFC cos we're tubby bitches and we wanted a bucket. Get there and there are loads of cars parked outside the car park - strange.

There is a police van blocking the entrance to the area - it's one of those 'complex' things you know cinema, KFC, McDonalds, pizza place, pub, club, some shops etc.

Turns out someone has been shot dead outside the bingo.

Crazy Liverpool eh?

We pulled over at a bus stop and asked to old ladies for the skinny. Then my cousin, being the true Christian, offered them a lift.

Needless to say, after the shooting, getting into a dark car in the middle of the night with two tubby bitches after some KFC must have terrified them. Both stood way back and started going on about husbands picking them up

I looked at my cousin, who was calm as day. He'll admit it himself, he's a Bateman at most of times, but he was geninuely being nice. lol

Anyways, we had to drive over the other side of town to get our KFC - in the end a zinger tower burger meal

Silly slag didnt include straws or ice for that matter in our cokes.

Yep, another ker-azy Friday night!!!

Big Hairy Gonads!!!!

I didn't get the job.

Balls

considering I hate the place I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry...

I'm off to get stinkingly, sickenly drunk...

What I got up to Last Night...

just been to see Jackass 2 AND The Prestige....
we - cousin and I - went to early screening of Jackass, when we left it was only 9pm and The Prestige was just starting - hurranh!!
both are ace by the way - will write proper tomorrow - its midnight and I'm up in 6 hours

that was last night.... here's the full story....

Work was bollocks as per usual. It's really hot in there, with no air conditioning. So naturally, every one is starting to get sick. They have such Draconian fucking rules regarding sickness that most people drag themselves off their death beds to come in... bringing all ther fucking ebolas, tuberculous, cholera and other shit I can't spell with them - so everyone else can get fucking (btw that's a shit poor excuse of a emoicon for sick. Noticed how the same faces mean different things?)

So, anyways, as always I digress. I'm working hard, busy little bumblebee, even though I can't be arsed and neither can everyone else and the mood is negative and depressing... I think fuck it, the day is dragging anyways may as well try and get on with it.

But as the day wore on, I just felt worse and worse. I've had a pain in the back of my neck, lower skull since Thursday's Assessment Centre - possibly the tension & stress, but I'm not a doctor so I don't know. Anyways, I'm hot, head hurts, arms and legs start to ache - wave upon wave of hypercondria sweeping over me....

Finally the day is over, walk the station and get the train with the lovely train buddy, Miss Sharon. Enjoy the journey home because we enjoy the rare privellege of a seat.

Wait ages for the bus, but I'm chilling listening to Moon Safari, thanks to Desi, Air is back on my high list of great tunes to listen too.

Gutted sitting on bus, cos girl I like has decided to opt for alternative traffic, my cousin Jay rings. Offers an alternative to coming home and logging on to MySlave and increasing my headache through screen-burnt dry eyes... go watch Jackass 2.

Rock n Roll.

Within an hour, we are standing in the foyer of the Odeon trying to decide if it's worth buying sweets. Some poor unfortunate soul comes in. Our Jay, simply because he's a sociopathic twat of the highest order, is pissing himself at the poor fucker. I try and not look, despite his increasingly jovial face motioning me on. This is because, not because I think it's cruel, but because I will laugh too. Only not quiet like Jay. No. I will laugh very loudly, and very obvious. I will laugh because Jay is laughing and his laugh is funny. The denizens of the foyer however, will look at the poor soul, look at me, look at Jay, and come down on us like a horde of angry bulls...

As we sit down in the cinema I notice a terrifying sight. The whole place is full of beefheads. There are about 20-30 people in there and every bloke Is over 6ft, about 5 ft wide and has the square head of a Christian Creationist.

And! I! Look! Like! One! Of! Them!

Bollocks!

Anyways, we watch the film and it was fantastic. So fucking funny. Sure there were bits where I thought, 'yeah I know why it's supposed to be funny', but these were quickly forgotten by the many many highlights. Sure, there is a slight grumble about the fact that all the animal-based pranks border on animal-cruelty, but these thoughts soon disappear as you watch ……….. and ………….. and when ……….. happens. (I ain't ruining the jokes for ya)

We leave the auditorium full of mirth, eyes moist, cheeks red and slight sore (my god that sounds so Gay!) – from LAUGHING (sheesh, rolls eyes). I go for my customary piss – I have no idea why but I ALWAYS need a piss before the film starts, and then after my extra large coke, need ANOTHER one right after the film…. Bizarre.

So I'm having my post-film slash, chortling at when ……… did ………. to…………… I walk out the toilets (washed hands still wet cos there was no hand towels and I'm too lazy for the driers) and our Jay suggests as it's early, why not kill two birds with one stone and go see The Prestige which was starting in about 2 mins.

FUCK YEAH!!!

Jay went to buy yet more coke, whilst I put with the smary smug bastard behind the counter asking me where I wanted to sit – the tool was offering me any seats from TWO empty rows for a film that was just starting, no one else was gonna sit there. Then again, I couldn't really blame him, the girl next to him who he kept looking at (was he winking?) was fit. Let the fucker show off for a few small moments. She knew my net worth. She obviously knew his. You lose, cinema boy! (oh if only)

Off we trundle into a new auditorium, one of the better ones, and settle down. Balls, we've missed the trailers. I see the last ten seconds of the Blood Diamond Leo DiCaprio one, but I'm none too fussed.

The film starts… it ends… wow! Amazing film! Really really smart, great acting (Mr Caine should be at the very least getting a nod for Oscar number three), and the story is great. Keeps ya guessing. Probably the most intelligent film I've seen in the pictures since that bloke in the white beard in Matrix two (ha ha kidding for fucks sake, kidding).

Maybe there's hope for cinema yet. The Prestige, Children of Men, Lord of War (watched it Sunday on DVD) seems films are getting intelligent again.

Ok, so it wasn't the most obvious double-bill around, but it was 3-4 hours well spent J

In honour of such a great night, I will not be stating what I'm listening to, but thanks to the lovely Jacqui, I have been reacquainted with perhaps the Greatest Bulletin Game of Myspace – the Soundtrack to Your Life. Hurrah!!!

For those who don't know how it works…

1. Open your music library
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool... and a lot of the songs fit with the setting

Opening Credits:
Rusty Cage – Johnny Cash

Waking Up:
Death On The Stairs – The Libertines

First Day At School:
New Star in the Sky (Chanson Pour Solal) - Air

Falling In Love:
The Tea Leaf Prophecy (Lay Down Your Arms) – Joni Mitchell

Fight Song:
Dakota - Stereophonics

Breaking Up:
Streams of Whiskey – The Pogues

Prom:
Blood – Pearl Jam

Life:
People of The Sun – Rage Against The Machine

Mental Breakdown:
Crazy – Patsy Cline (lol I aint lying, this is what come up)

Driving:
I Threw A Brick Through A Window – U2

Flashback:
A Pair of Brown Eyes – The Pogues

Getting back together:
Gold Digger – Kanye West

Wedding:
Running To Stand Still – U2

Birth of Child:
I Hung My Head – Johnny Cash

Final Battle:
Singin' in The Rain – Gene Kelly

Death Scene:
Amilea – Joni Mitchell

End Credits:
Vietnow – Rage Against The Machine

Okay Dokey…. Some inspired choices by Mistress Fate/Lady I-Tunes, but I'm a little disappointed that it brought up the same artists. Need to look at my shuffle settings me thinks…. Anyways, there be my night.

If you are so inclined, then feel free to leave your own soundtrack in the comments box

12 hrs to go

The assessement is this Thursday. 08:30-16:30. Four or Five exercises based on five competencies - managerial, social skills, communication skills, analytical, and methodical skills.

Fortunately there is no interview so I don't have to prep/stress for that.

My task is simple, show up, read the instructions, plaster on a fake smile (be positive), and try and act like the manager I really am lol.

It's hard to do, believe it or not. I do it every day, but put me in a roleplay situation and it becomes an act. I am never natural.

Just gotta be myself.

Yesterday, some of the other managers kindly organised a quick get together to try and help each other. Despite what the flaws I often see in them (in everyone) they are really a great bunch of people, and the business could do a lot worse.

We talked about possible reports for the analytical exercises. Went right over my head (whoosh!) - and I am supposed to be the analyst for our contract lol

Then I did a quick sample of a presentation for them, showing how to structure it. Feedback: authoritative tone, but sounded bored/boring. That's my natural tone baby!!

Anyways, despite their good intentions, I was falling asleep, and I don't wanna think too much about it otherwise I'll start to stress and panic.

I am concerned that I have done zero research into the matter- but I have always been, and probably always will be like this. I have no motivation what so ever.

My life needs something to fight for.

Anyway, it's the last word on the subject because I will be too stressed tonight. And Liverpool are playing, which lately is a nightmare to endure too.

Thursday, I am going to try and finally go see Jeff play. I always say this, and never go. But I'll be in a suit and hopefully the adrenalin will be flying. If you are one of the scousers on here (hell, or someone who likes to travel on a whim), check out his profile and then go see. He's really good.

But then again... we all know I'll be on here whinging

2 weeks notice

Friday – an email comes through from the head of ops. Everyone has to attend a meeting at 1.30pm, no exceptions, no excuses. The tone of the email is negative, but that’s the problem with email, how do you determine what the intended tone was exactly.
The mood on the floor wasn’t great to begin with; now I and the other team leaders are forlorn and paranoid.

1pm – my mate Tony texts me, asking is there any jobs going in my place. He does the same role as me for another company. Joking, I text him back, telling him I’m off to a big meeting and I’ll probably be looking for work after it too.

2.10pm – shocked and dismayed, I text Tony, confirming that I am indeed looking for new work….

So what the fuck happened?

We go into the meeting, the head of ops is there, and HR are there, all the team leaders and senior team leaders, and the managing director of the company. We are shown a presentation of how the company is going to move forward. A company that nearly folded 6 months ago and is currently afloat in no small part to the team leaders and senior team leaders currently sitting in the room.

We are told that our current positions of Team Leader and Senior Team Leader are no longer relevant, instead to be replaced by positions of Team Manager and Operations Manager. In line with the new titles, there will be a new salary band for each role, significantly higher than the current one. Surprisingly, no one in the room smiles at this news. To justify the new salary, the presentation continues, there are increased roles and responsibilities yadda yadda yadda – coincidentally, pretty much the very same roles & responsibilities we all have now.

Here’s the shit kicker.

We are told, that in order to prove we can do this role (the very same role, albeit with a different title, that we are doing now) we have to apply for it. We are also told that the new positions will start in two weeks. Finally we are told, in order to allow the business to move forward, we are all on two week’s notice.

How do you like them apples?

So for the second time within 11 months, I find myself in the same company having to reapply for my own job.

This is nothing new. I work for outsourcers, contracts come and go and redundancy is a part of life in this business. Except in this instance, there are no contracts going. The business is doing well in fact.

So in affect, the entire management team has been told to leave because the hierarchy does not believe we can do the roles.

This is pretty hard to take.

People were visibly upset when they left the meeting. Many were angry. I just felt nauseous. I still do.

So I tried to put a brave face on. I had to address my team. The rumour mill in that place is faster than a speeding bullet. Somehow I think I pulled it off, standing there in front of them all, explaining that my job was under threat but I still had to ensure that they were achieving targets… ensuring that they were not worried about their own jobs.

Ha for a second I thought emotion would get the better of me, but in one of those rare glorious moments in life, I became a professional.

Of course, for the rest of the day, any work was well… as you can expect, it went something along the lines of ‘fuck that’.

We went out for a drink afterwards, but this was a mistake. Alcohol is a depressant and everyone was morose. Plus there were no decent birds there so I left, went the off license, went round to my mates, got slaughtered and tried not to think about it.

As I write this, I am nursing a cunt of a hangover…
So now, as this part of my story ends, a new chapter needs to be written. I have two weeks to prove what I already know, I can do any job they give me standing on my head (although doing it and proving you can do it are two completely separate things) – or find a new job.

I guess this is the part where I ask you to wish me luck….

I Fuckin' Love Trouble

I Fuckin' Love Trouble

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The Evolution Of Dance

Amazing...

101 Random-ass Questions

101 Random Questions

1) Do you have a crush on somebody?:
several

2) Do you hate more than 3 people?:
oh continents full...

3) How many houses have you lived in?:
2

4) Favorite candy bar?:
drifter

6) Have you ever tripped someone?:
as in fall over or spike? I've tripped loads

7) Least favorite school subject?:
maths

8) How many pairs of shoes do you own?:
5

9) Do you own a Britney Spears CD?:
no lol

10) Have you ever thrown up in public?:
embarassingly, yes

11) Name one thing that is always on your mind:
my scalp

12) Favorite genre of music?:
rock

13) What is your zodiac sign?:
Pisces

14) What time were you born?:
in the morning I think

15) Do you like beer?:

some of it

16) Ever made a prank phone call?
no

17) What is the most embarrassing CD you own?
i love all my cds - although there are a few singles which should have remained in the 50p reject bucket

18) Are you sarcastic?:
playfully so

19) What are your favorite colors?:
red & black

20) How many watches do you own?:
1

21) Summer or winter?:
winter

23) Favorite color to wear?:
can never go wrong with pink... i mean black BLACK

24) Pepsi or Sprite?:
Pepsi anyday

25) What color is your cell phone?:
orange & white (Sony Walkman fone)

26) Where is your second home?:

eh?

27) Have you ever slapped someone?:
no

28) Have you ever had a cavity?:
Yes - had some fillings last year

30) How many video games do you own? and which are they?
loads, can't be arsed going into detail here

31) What was your first pet?:
my fish - pets from childhood where always my brothers'

32) Ever had braces?:
Yes

33) Do looks matter?:
Yes, they are the hook - although one man's beauty is another man's ugly - guess you have to be attracted, doesn't matter what any one else thinks

34) Do you use chap stick?: no

35) Name 3 teachers from high school.
Miss Dutton, Mr Boyle, Mr Aldridge

36) American Eagle or Abercombie?:
eh?

37) Are you too forgiving?:
sometimes

38) How many children do you want?:
loads

39) Do you own something from Hot Topic?:
eh?

40) Favorite breakfast meal?:
full english

41) Do you own a gun?:
nope

42) Ever thought you were in love?:
a few times

43) When was the last time you cried?:
last year - funeral

44) What did you do 3 nights ago?:
probably on here, sad bastard that I am

45) Olive Garden?: eh?

46) Have you ever called your teacher mommy?:
probably lol

47) Have you ever been in a castle?:
Yes

48) Nicknames?:
well, if you've seen The Young Ones...

49) Do you know anyone named Bertha?:
lol sadly not

50) Ever been to Kentucky?:
Fried Chicken?

51) Do you own something from Banana Republic?:
lol are they even called that anymore? no

52) Are you thinking about somebody right now?:
no - mind is blank

53) Ever called somebody Boo?:
nope

54) Do you smoke?:
used to, not anymore

55) Do you own a diamond ring?:
no

56) Are you happy with your life right now?:
it could be better, then again, it could be worse

57) Do you dye your hair?:
nope

58) Does anyone have a crush on you?:
I hope so

60) What were you doing in May of 1994?:
end of first year college - probably drunk & stoned

61) Do you own a Backstreet Boys CD?:
nope

62) McDonalds or Wendys?:
we don't have a Wendy's here, nor a White Castle

63) Do you like yourself?:
I'm cool lol

64) Are you closer to your mother or father?:
both in equal measure

65) Favorite physical feature of the preferred sex?:
shall I be shallow (honest) and say T&A? - usually the hair, then face, eyes & mouth...

66) Are you afraid of the dark?:
No

67) Have you ever eaten paste?:
no

68) Do you own a webcam?:
no

69) Have you ever stripped?:
in public? no

70) Ever broke a bone?:
two

72) Do you chat on AIM often?:
don't know what that is - we have MSN - no.

73) Pringles or Lays?:
Pringles

74) Have you ever broken someones heart?:
unfortunately yes

75) Rugrats or Doug?:
rugrats - don't know what Doug is

76) Full House or The Brady Bunch?:
The Brady Bunch - again don't know what full house is

77) Did you like your high school guidance counselor?:
we dont need that shit - we normal people in UK

78) Has anyone ever called you fat?:
lol everyday - followed by, but he sure pulls it off, mmm

80) Do you own a car?:
no

81) Can you cook?:
yep

82) 3 things that annoy you:
myspace, liberals, conservatives

83) Do you text message often?:

all the time

84) Money or love?:
money brings love lol

85) Do you have any scars?:
several - mouth, right eyelid, right arm, both knees, left shin

86) What do you want more than anything right now?:
right now? a blow job lol

87) Do you enjoy scary movies?:
yes

88) Relationships or one night stands?:
both

89) Big Red or Juicy Fruit?:
Juicy Fruit - what the fuck's a Big Red?

90) Do you enjoy greasy foods?:
after a night out...

91) Have you seen all the Rocky movies?
Damn Straight - although approaching Rocky 6 with cautious opitmism

92) Do you own a box of crayons?:
sadly, no

93) lost questions?:
what?

94) Who was the last person that said they loved you?:
Jesus, going back a while here... a couple of months ago - unfortunately it was unrequited

95) Who was the last person that made you mad?:
loads frustrate me, geniunely mad... hmm?

96) Who was the last person that made you cry?:
that bastard piper at the funeral (actually it was amazing, just made me sob)

97) Who was the last person that made you laugh?:
My little niece

98) Who was the last person that you fell for?:
she knows who she is

99) Who was the last person that instant messaged you?:
some Manc kid - lord knows why

100) Who was the last person that called/text you?:
The boy lube, this afternoon.

101) Who is the person most likely to fill this out?:
question is, who will actually read the friggin thing?

Derby Day Blues

Well it's been over a day and I'm still shell-shocked.
Think this could be the end for Reina. He hasn't looked safe for a while.
We need Agger to speed his progression, Hyppia has been class but he is too slow now. Johnson ran him ragged all afternoon.
One of the more worrying aspects was the lack of service to Robbie & Crouch. Everton bossed the middle of the park for the first time in years. Gerard was missing, Garcia is a waste of space, ah well.
I don't hate Everton. But I fucking despise Evertonians. Bitter bastards, even in victory.

Roll on Chelsea, eh?

The Premiership is Back!

Liverpool don't look like Championship Contenders.
Man U have hit sensational form.
Chelsea got beat - GET IN!!!!!

It's early days, and I'm getting cruxified at Fantasy League.

Here's to eight months of ups and downs, joys and despair....

Blackwater (D Tyrer Remix)

This is my old student film. It made no sense whatsoever lol. A good mate, Dave Tyrer, did a 'remix' when practising with a new editing tool - not sure which one.

Some Jokes

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife,

"Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very
dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, Honey. I love you."

to which the wife responds,

"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, Honey. I love you, too."

------------------------------------

A Man sees a sign in a shop window, 'Pies 50p, Wanks £1'. He goes in and asks the girl behind the counter if she is the one who gives the wanks for a pound. "Yes I am" she replies. "Well, wash your fucking hands, I want a pie."

-------------------------------------

For Those Of Us Who Grew Up In The Eighties...

http://www.apple.com/trailers/wb/teenagemutantninjaturtles/

Italy - World Champions 2006

Sometimes, it's good to be right.... ;)

Stupidest Movie Poster Ever?

Aligator - 1980.

Italian poster for ALLIGATOR (1980) - It's shagging her for fucks sake!?!

England lost - devastated.

Really thought we would win. Well, I trully believed we would beat Portugal at least!!! I dunno, are we supposed to be perpetually disappointed as a race? We have nothing now, no Empire, no Power, No World Cup. I blame Arsenal. They should have won the European Cup - and for that matter Middlesborough, they should have the UEFA Cup. England had the chance to cement it's status at the best league in the world, but Spain got there first. Fuck, it'd down to Liverpool again (although I dont mind if we are winning everything ;) ).
Anyway, I have lost interest in this tournament now, but if I am to be pressed for a prediction, I will go with Italy v France final, with Italy winning it.
I hope that Juventus & AC Milan get relegated for this match-fixing. An interesting question would then arise, would both be kicked out of the G14? Or will that self-serving group simply ignore the controversy and continue looking after number one?

Anyway, here's something to give us a chuckle...

WOMAN'S DIARY:

Sunday 2nd Oct 2005

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a Bit late so thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly Laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.

I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of Silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later He did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed Distant and a bit cold, and started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.

MAN'S DIARY:

Sunday 2nd October 2005

Arsenal lost. Gutted. Got a sh*g though.

(At least that tw@t Beckham has given up his Captaincy....)

Antagony & Ecstasy

Antagony & Ecstasy

This is a good site - some good honest film reviews

What a Difference 10 Years Makes...

1996 - Barnsley College - 19years old...

2001 - Working and milking the dole for every last penny (bus pass to help me get back to work) - 24 years old...

2006 - Working - 29years old...

Movies & Posters

I have went through the links in the Favourites post, hopefully I have fixed them all now. Reading through it, I have missed loads of great films out. Then again I did say that the list wasn't permanent and it could (and probably will) change in the future.

I have missed out great films such as the Indiana Jones Trilogy; The Lord of The Rings Trilogy; Spy films such as From Russia With Love (best Bond?) and The Bourne Films; christ the list goes on...

Anyway, this is a rush post - as you can see I haven't put links on the films this time.

It's 40 minutes and counting until England kick off their (hopefully) victorious World Cup campaign. 4 years of waiting is almost over...

Going through the poster links for the films I have noticed that some of the modern posters are crap. There doesn't seem to be much thought put into them anymore. My favourites were always the original Star Wars posters. Which leads me nicely to this link...

http://home.scarlet.be/~bliek/index.htm

Drew Struzan created all the posters for the six Star Wars films, as well as Indiana Jones. It amazed me how many cool and classic posters he has created. Check the site out.

Anyway, C'Mon England!!!!!

DREAMS

DREAMS

This be my other blog

Favourites

I was asked the other day that old question – “What is your favourite film?”

But for a guy who has 300+DVDs and loves films, how do you answer that? I can’t. I couldn’t even tell you what my top five is. This is usually the next question after you have rebuked the first. What I attempted to do, when asked, was to give my favourite in each genre, although that in itself is just as difficult.
Some films are great forever; some are great for a short period of time. When I was a kid Police Academy was one of the funniest greatest films I had ever seen. It was on TV the other night and I watched, albeit drunkenly, for a short while. It wasn’t the same. However, I loved Stand by Me when I was a kid and I still believe it’s an amazing film today.

So, for today only, I will tell you my favourite films belonging to the genres. However, some films belong in sub-genres so there may be some cross-referencing. For example, Assault on Precinct 13 is a Western. Yet, there are no cowboys, Indians, or even horses. Aliens can be classed as Sci-fi, Action, and War. This is going to be really difficult and I’m sure I’ll get frustrated as I go along. So here you are my favourites…. Expect some films to change as time goes on….

Western – Once Upon a Time in the West

The opening duel is amazing, far better than the more famous ending from The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly. The soundtrack is top. But I feel that the spaghetti westerns were not truly westerns, more a ‘version’ of a western. With Once, Leone finally completed his true Western.

Noticeable Exceptions – The Searchers, Young Guns, The Long Riders, Tombstone, Dollars Trilogy, Rio Bravo.

(This is really fucking difficult by the way…)

-------------------------------------------------

War – Saving Private Ryan

I know, I know, a clichéd choice. But the opening twenty minutes is so intense. I watched the film on an afternoon with the Boy Lube, and there were a couple of veterans in there. They were visibly moved by it. It’s a great film overall, the scene where the German returns to ‘pay back’ his freedom is gut-wrenching. And Spielberg rocks.

Noticeable Exceptions – Full Metal Jacket, Where Eagles Dare, Platoon, Apocalypse Now, Gallipoli , A Bridge Too Far, Starship Troopers, Das Boot,

-------------------------------------------------
Sci-Fi – Predator

This is definitely one section that could change and change. Predator is a perfect marriage of (at the time) state of the art effects and sweaty, fist clenching suspense. The story is perfect – a group of elite soldiers, supposedly the best in the world, get picked up an unseen alien warrior. Great lines such as “I ain’t got time to bleed.” and the Predator’s laugh, mimicking Billy. It’s a shame that they started to ruin the concept with the sequels.

In truth, all of the Noticeable Exceptions could top this one.

Noticeable Exceptions – The Matrix, Alien, Bladerunner, The Planet of the Apes, The Empire Strikes Back , The Terminator.

-------------------------------------------------

Martial Arts – Police Story/ The Prodigal Son

In Hong Kong, they call Martial Arts pics Action Films; however I need clarity so I will keep them separate. I know I am cheating a bit here, but Martial Arts are split into Modern & Historical. Police Story is the perfect Jackie Chan film. Great fights, amazing stunts and a good police thriller to boot. Sure there are better fight scenes (the furnace fight in Legend of the Drunken Master, the final duel in The Young Master) and better stunts (the Project A films), but the balance is right here.
The Prodigal Son is Sammo Hung’s best film. Yuen Biao is one of the most gifted martial artists ever, and with Lam Ching-Wing, a true master in action. The opera scene shows that great Cinematography existed in martial art films long before Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

Noticeable Exceptions - Project A Part 2, Warriors Two, Fist of Legend, Once Upon A Time In China, Ong Bak, The Blade, Encounters of the Spooky Kind, The Young Master, Mr Vampire, Legend of a Fighter

-------------------------------------------------

Suspense/Thriller – The Thing.

I know its sci-fi, and its effects easily push it into Horror, but the Thing is a perfect example of how to ring every drop of suspense out of a situation. A pitch-perfect idea – a group of scientists stranded in the middle of the Antarctic slowly being assimilated by an unknown force. The film has amazing special effects, and is possibly John Carpenter’s best. I know every one loves Snake, but MacReady is Kurt Russell’s best role to date.

Noticeable Exceptions – The Silence of the Lambs, Manhunter, Infernal Affairs, OldBoy, Rififi, Seven, Heat.

-------------------------------------------------

Horror – Halloween

As you can see I am a big John Carpenter fan. I think his early work is pretty spectacular, creating dynamic examples of each genre. With Halloween, he may not have invented the slasher picture, but he did define it for future rip-offs. This movie is a perfect example of how to set up a scene, setting up the viewer time and time again only to hold back. Unlike its descendents whose main aim is to get straight to the killing. I don’t even have to mention the soundtrack…

Noticeable Exceptions - Suspiria, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Descent, The Omen, An American Werewolf in London, The Living Dead Trilogy, The Evil Dead Trilogy.

-------------------------------------------------

Comedy – Anchorman

My God, this is the hardest one. Comedy is so broad and covers so many aspects. In fact you have comedy-westerns, comedy-horror, comedy-drama etc. Where would I begin? As I noted earlier with Police Academy, comedy films can be very time-specific, suitable for a particular age and time. Although you can watch them over and over again, you can, as in most things in life, have overkill. I must have seen Dumb & Dumber and Airplane a million times. They are great great comedies, but it’s not the same when you’re smiling waiting for the joke to arrive. The first time I saw these two films I nearly wet myself. Great comedy takes you by surprise – my problem is that I generate overkill by watching them over and over. The Noticeable exceptions list will testify to that.
So, why choose Anchorman? It’s the funniest film that I’ve seen in the past few years. It’s a film that sticks in the memory – I’ll sometimes have the urge to laugh in public thinking about it, very embarrassing. Will Ferral is funny because he is fresh. His roles in Old School & Wedding Crashers are testament to that. Let’s hope he too doesn’t suffer overkill.

Noticeable Exceptions – The Cable Guy, Shaun of the Dead, Blazing Saddles, Fletch, Ghostbusters, The Big Lebowski, Withnail & I, Rushmore, Yojimbo, Bringing Up Baby

-------------------------------------------------

Musical – Singin' In The Rain

I have not seen as many musicals as I should have. To this day I still haven’t’ watched The Sound Of Music, nor sat through West Side Story in it’s entirety. Is The Wizard of Oz a musical because it has songs in it? I need to watch more musicals and appreciate them. Recently I caught a bit of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers and watched the barn-dance bit. Some of the movement and rhythm have to be seen to be believed. It’s a natural transition too, I love Marital Arts films and all the intrinsic movements and fantastic leaps – musicals are just an extension of that physicality.
Singin' In The Rain stands out head and shoulders. It has the most famous dance routine in cinema, the songs are great, and some of the dancing is breathtaking. Plus, in Gene Kelly, you have a star that is masculine enough for the blokes, as well as handsome and charming for the ladies.

Noticeable Exceptions – Little Shop of Horrors, Grease, (I really need to watch more musicals)

-------------------------------------------------

Action – Hard Boiled

Die Hard is the accepted best action film of all time. I like many others, love that film. But I also love Hard Boiled. I think the tagline was “Harder than a Dozen Die Hards”. It shows. Hard Boiled is action intensified to such a level never seen before or since in cinema. Basically three or four huge set pieces linked by the old standard of two guys teaming up to take on all comers; it shows John Woo at his very best. The Killer may be a better film, but it’s in action we trust. It is such a shame that Hollywood has slowed Woo down to the point where he is now just another hack trying to create ‘that John Woo’ look. There are not many doves in this picture, but fuck are there bullets ;)

Noticeable Exceptions – A Better Tomorrow, Lethal Weapon, Face Off, Seven Samurai.

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Gangster – The Roaring Twenties

My god this one will split opinion right down the middle. On the one hand, we have Coppola’s The Godfather; on the other, Scorsese’s Goodfellas. Two masterpieces of the genre, there is no doubt about that. But both owe a huge debt to the films that preceded them, the Gangster picks of the 1930’s - The films of Bogart and Cagney. The Roaring Twenties is one of the earliest films I can remember watching, and I loved every minute of it. Cagney at his best, a great story, and an excellent ending.

Noticeable Exceptions – Carlitos Way, The Public Enemy, Scarface, Angels With Dirty Faces, A Bout De Souffle , Brother, Sonatine, The Long Good Friday , Donnie Brasco, Miller's Crossing.

-------------------------------------------------

Animation – Finding Nemo

This is the perfect animated movie for me. Pixar perfected their technique on this one. The music is beautiful; the opening scene never failing to raise goose-bumps.

Noticeable Exceptions – Dumbo, Akira, Toy Story,

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Drama – Say Anything

Drama is really difficult – like Comedy it covers all the other genres. The Godfather is essentially a drama about a family. So what are we looking for in a drama? Or more importantly, what am I looking for? Should it ask questions? Make you think? Change your mind, opinions? Drama can cover political issues, social issues, emotional issues. Therefore, I am going to go with one of my favourite actors and select Say Anything. It is a fantastic romantic drama, perfectly capturing the difficulties of finding and maintaining love. Plus it has one of the iconic images of the 80’s.

Noticeable Exceptions – Schindler's List, Once Were Warriors, Saturday Night Fever, Raging Bull,

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Well, there we have it. This has taken me hours to do, and I’m still not 100% sure. There are also many films I have missed out simply because I couldn’t pigeon hole them into the genres. Anyway, rereading this I know that I may not have made the best arguments, but hell, why do I need a reason to love a great film? If you agree/disagree with my choices or you have a favourite poster, then please share your thoughts…

Football Songs

I am a Liverpool fan. Loved them all my life. My father, however, is an Evertonian. My brother is an Evertonian. My best mate is an Evertonian. So I have never been a Bitter Red. I don't mind Everton and the only time I really enjoy seeing them lose is obviously on derby day.
However, there are thousands upon thousands of Bitter Blues out there... (and Reds too)

This was sent to me a while back, I was going through my old emails, and it gave me a giggle - It’s sung on the terrace's (or at least I think it is) at Goodison Park and it's about Michael Shields. The song is based on the theme tune from Prisoner Cell Block H.

"He used to go to Anfield,

they wish he could again,

but that was on the outside, and

things were different then...

He went the match in Turkey,

with several of his friends...

and when the waiter copped it,

they said he was in bed...

On the inside the match is on,

and he watches in hope...

but shower time is different,

don’t bend over for the soap...

Last night he dreamed of Anfield,

of sitting in the stand...

seeing all the players,

of the club that got us banned...

On the inside the match is on,

and he watches in hope...

but shower time is different,

don’t bend over for the soap...

He used to go to Anfield,

they wish he could again,

but that was on the outside,

and things were different then..."

See what I mean? Anyway, it made me think of other songs…

Fields of Anfield Road
“Outside the Shankly Gates I heard a Kopite calling:

Shankly they have taken you away
But you left a great eleven

Before you went to heaven
Now it's glory round the Fields of Anfield Road.

(Chorus)
All round the Fields of Anfield Road
Where once we watched the King Kenny play (and he could play)
We had Heighway on the wing
We had dreams and songs to sing
Of the glory round the Fields of Anfield Road

Outside the Paisley Gates I heard a Kopite calling:

Paisley they have taken you away
You led the great 11

Back in Rome in 77
And the Red-men they are still playing the same way

(Chorus)
All round the Fields of Anfield Road
Where once we watched the King Kenny play (and he could play)
We had Heighway on the wing
We had dreams and songs to sing
Of the glory round the Fields of Anfield Road”

Poor Scouser Tommy
“Let me tell you the story of a poor boy,
Who was sent far away from his home,
To fight for his king and his country,
And also the old folks back home

So they put him in a higher division,
Sent him off to a far foreign land,
Where the flies swarm around in their thousands,
And there's nothing to see but the sand.

Now the battle it started next morning,
Under the radiant sun,
I remember our poor Scouser Tommy,
He was shot by an old Nazi gun

As he lay on the battlefield die-die-dying,
With the blood gushing out of his head (out of his head)
As he lay on the battlefield die-die-dying,
These were the last words he said:

Oooooh, I am a Liverpudlian,
and I come from the Spion Kop,
I like to sing, I like to chant,
I go there quite a lot.
Support a team, that plays in red,
A team that we all know,
A team that we call LIVERPOOL,
To glory we will go.

We won the league, we won the cup,
We've been to Europe too,
We played the Toffees for a laugh,
And left them feeling blue (5-0)
1-2, 1-2-3, 1-2-3-4, 5-0!
Rush scored one,
Rush scored two,
Rush scored three,
And Rush scored four...”

My good friend, Kev Walsh’s band - Down And Outs – do a good Punk cover of this. You can listen to it by clicking the link. There are four songs on there, give the others a listen too…

If you want to see what other football songs are out there, you can check out http://home.wanadoo.nl/maarten.geluk/ which has quite a few clubs represented from home & abroad. It’s amazing how many teams use the same songs over and over.

I have added a couple more here. There are loads of very offensive ones which, although amusing I have decided not to include. Plus you can also check out the sheer hatred between Celtic & Rangers fans on the above link.

(Liverpool)

"There was a local derby, not too long ago,
The Everton fans were singing "Howard Kendall he must go".
But then he won a trophy, and he was Everton’s pride...
You two-faced Everton bastards you're the shite of Merseyside...
Ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha-ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...

There was a local derby, not too long ago,
The Everton fans were singing all the songs that they know.
Just when Kenny scored a brilliant goal, they said is was off side...
But we don't care cos' they scored none and we scored fucking five...
Ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha-ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...

There was a local derby, not too long ago,
The Everton fans were singing "David Moyes he must go".
But then he finished in fourth, and he was Everton’s pride...
You two-faced Everton bastards you're the shite of Merseyside...
Ha, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha-ha, ha, ha, ha, ha..."

(Arsenal)

"Who's that team they call the Arsenal?

Who's that team we all adore?

They're the boys in red and white,

And where fucking dynomite,

'cos Georgy Grahams mother is a whooore,

yeah she's a whore, yeah she's a whooore"

(Arsenal again)

"She wore She wore

She wore fishnet stockings

She wore fishnet stockings and stillettoes on her feet

And when I asked just why she wore those stockings

She said it's for my client and his name is David Pleat David Pleat, David Pleat,

He's the famous Tottenham pervert And his name is David Pleat..."

(Aston Villa)

"Can you hear the Cockneys singing?

No, No!

Can you hear the Cockneys singing?

No, No!

Can you hear the Cockneys singing?

I can't hear a fucking thing!"

(Tranmere Rovers)

"We're not scousers

We're From Birkenhead

So you can fuck your cathedrals

and shove your Pier Head!"

(Sunderland)

"There's only one senile bastard

one senile bastard

with his pension book and his zimmer frame

Bobby Robsons pissed himself again"

(Newcastle United)

"I know a makem takem, he lives along the way,

I know he is a makem, he's big and fat and gay,

and every time I see him, he makes me want to spew,

he's just a mekem takem, from Division two,

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah......"

Just like to add that all the Man U songs were shite. No surprises there then.

Have a nice day :)